Clean Jokes

Alcoholic Joke
How can they call it "Alcoholics Anonymous" when the first thing you do is you stand up and say, ‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?

Funny Joke
Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"

Peanuts Joke
A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself. “Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.” “Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver. “You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”

Shark Joke
A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly. - “So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.” “OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?” “I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their intestines?”

Marriage Joke
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."

Lawyer Joke
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“ And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.

Fortune Teller Joke
Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, “We’re going to have a hot summer again.” The second one sighs happily: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer in 2092…”

Women Joke
Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets.
They do so within groups of 40.

Stupid Joke
Me: “Do you think it’s strange to talk to yourself?”
Me: “No.”

Astronaut Joke
Astronaut's last words: OMG guys, who farted?
I have to open the window.

Government Employee Joke
What’s a state clerk’s favorite day of the week?
Tuesday. There’s no point starting anything new so shortly before the weekend.

Organ Joke
I used to believe that the brain was the most important organ.
But then I thought, hey, look who’s telling me that.

Speed Joke
Light travels faster than sound.
That is why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

Fat Joke
9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat.
The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.

This is a post on clean jokes.

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